Idol - Here's Wassup!

Is that Carrie Underwood? Uhhh... no. This girl is cute and that is all... I have nothing else to say.

Have to be honest. I would've have given her vocals a "B." They were good, but not excellent. HOWEVER, she is a performer and was one that catches you and reels you into what SHE is doing. Can't teach that crap. Great song choice - contemporary and new. She's going through. And she's already got her hip hop name. I mean c'mon - "Lil Rounds?" that rules.

I don't care. She was boring to me. "I can't afford a stylist." Seriously? Neither can anyone honey. Oh, and the "The hairdresser messed up my hair," was what counselors like to call "projecting." Like what hairdresser "accidentally" dyes the bottom of your hair and your bangs purple? I mean, that's a pretty specific accident if you ask me. But this is not that kind of blog. SO - her singing... it was fine but I was bored. She's not making it through. TERRIBLE song choice.

Hmmm... this one is hard cuz I like blind people. And then it's not, because I don't think you should get special reviews (like he received last night) just cuz you're blind. I think he's bad. His pitch is everywhere. His moves are... slow - not clean. (His vocal moves, that is). I'm sorry, but if this cat wasn't blind he would've been ROASTED on that performance. I'm thinking he's going through - and I'm thinking this SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN!

You know what? I actually like this kid's vocals. And he would do ANYTHING for love. And so...for the love of God, take off that headband. Pretty sure he won't go through. Mamaw didn't help him any either.

This version of "Delilah" was boring. I didn't see anything special about it. Danny Gokey's friend (black guy that didn't make it) did this song better during Hollywood week. WAY better. Still can't believe he's gone. I was shocked that this dude got such positive reviews. Still - no way - not going through.

This girl has a very cool voice. She should've performed her song a whole step lower - those notes tore her up here and there. But she is really cool. Loved her. I think she's going through.


Alrighty, - I felt bad for her. She has some skills - but WRONG SONG! She had some beautiful parts to her voice (reminded me of Rachel Lampa a little) but man - she was flat almost throughout, which left me wondering if she was struggling to hear well. It's hard getting used to in-ears and sometimes you have to compensate for not hearing a "live" sound. Ain't going through.

Okay, now here's where I think I'm gonna take a beating. I gave him a big picture cuz I thought he was the best of the night. Nailed his genre - pitch PERFECT! Not the most incredible performer - but I'd listen to that song again. (I already might have). He's one of those toss-ups for me though. If I had voted last night (I didn't) he would've got my vote. I'm not thinking he'll go through - but i'd be real glad if he did.

What do you think?

Book Signing

This weekend was my book signing. It was great! I realized two days before this event that I'd not only never done a personal book signing, but that I'd never BEEN to a book signing. I thought I should probably figure out what a book signing was, and what I should be prepared for, so I got online and googled "book signing."

I found a couple articles that had plenty to say about what to expect (the possibility that no one would show - or that one person would show up and talk to you for an hour... neither of which happened.) Main things I got was "don't stick your nose in a book or no one will want to bother you." The other was "get a good pen; one that doesn't smudge." I did both of those things. But there was something else about this signing... something important that I didn't expect.

We've been in a series about leaving Egypt for the past 3 weeks at my church... and how the Israelites were in slavery, cried out to be delivered from Egypt, were delivered from Egypt, but then continued down the same path by dragging Egypt (their own things [old life patterns, sins, etc.] that held them in bondage) into their new found deliverance and freedom. I understand this...like really... I get it. Because I've been there before. Still want to go back there sometimes. Not planning to buy up tickets anytime soon.

That being said... the book signing brought out a group of people that encouraged me. They were...real. The whole focus of my book, essentially, is about recovery. It's about learning how to become self-aware and learning how to be comfortable in my own skin.

My biggest hope for this book was that those who read it would know that they weren't crazy... no matter what is going on in their lives; no matter what hopeless thoughts plague them; and no matter how defeated they feel in themselves... that there IS hope. Funny thing; I really believe that, ya know? - that there's hope.

So as I was signing books and talking to people who had already read The Blind Writer, I realized that we spoke the same language. Lots of 12-step lingo flying around. A lot of people taking responsibility for themselves. A lot of people being honest about the fact that life is hard... that they're doing the best that they can... AND that many of them are finding healing after years and years turning their backs on their problems. So, did I love this book signing? Yes. I didn't expect camaraderie... but I found it. Because we all struggle, don't we? But unfortunately, we don't all get well.

Verse of the year for me: "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." Jonah 2:8 Can't tell you how much I love this verse. Hope wrapped up in responsibility. Cuz that's the only way it can happen.

Anyway, I've always felt a touch shameful and uncomfortable tagging the "this is where you can get my book" info on emails, blogs etc. I've felt like it was self-promoting or something. Well, after this weekend... specifically after talking with those people that I share common ground with, I don't feel that way anymore. We're all in it together, aren't we? Or at least we should be. I'm no better than you, and you're no better than me. Level ground.

So... if you've read it and think it would be helpful to someone you know... let them know they can pick it up at Capstone Bookstore at Northview... or they can order it at www.lulu.com/mattbays.

Peace, love, HOPE and healing.

Matt

PS The pens I picked were awesome.

if so, we're in big trouble

Okay - I thought this was... ya know... good blog entertainment. Someone did this on facebook, and I thought it was fun. So follow the rules and end the eternal mystery of what your band and first album would be called.

1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random”or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

5 - Post it to your blog, comment on mine and other blogs (I'm making this part up...since this was supposed to be for facebook, but whatev.)

American Idol: Here's What I Think

Okay - Here's how I felt about last night.

This boy (below) I was REALLY hopeful for - but he ate it last night. Really not good - sheep vibrato. Viva La Vida? No way. I'm thinking he is not going to make it tonight. That's my guess. We'll see.



When I heard this kid say he was singing "Man in the Mirror," I thought... Michael Jackson is the kiss of death! But seriously, I was impressed. I thought he did really good. Wouldn't be surprised to see him as one of the 3 who make it tonight.

I thought this girl was by far THE BEST. She was original - vocally, she was with it. And the "Drops of Jupiter" vibe, I thought, was very cool. She probably won't make it since they roasted her in judging, but she absolutely should. Bummer. I'd love to hear more from her.

Seriously. What was this about? This kid made me nuts. You know, yes, he has serious singing ability. But it's not all about ability... it's also about how you USE that ability. Some of the best artists in the world, are not the best singers... but they are smart with how they "use" their talent. (Eric Clapton, Joan Baez) We don't need to see everything you've got in one song. Restraint is an important part of art. That being said - I was a little surprised at his rave review but virtually all four judges. But ask yourself this question. Would you EVER put that rendition of "Satisfaction" in your CD player to listen to? Maybe you would. Me? Not so much. I'm thinking he's in... but I did not dial 1-866-4357-12 for him. (That's right, I've got it memorized.)

Pretty please with sugar on it!!! I want him in this competition even though, ya know, it's... weird. LOVE him. He could pull it off, you never know. (he got my vote - yes, I vote. shut up. No YOU shut up!)

Other likes: - The girl who sang "Girl Put Your Records On." She was not so good at the end but I really like her sound.

-The girl that sang "Alone" by Heart. I was more impressed at the beginning - she got a little flat and screamy toward the end. But she is SIXTEEN, and that alone (get it?) is impressive.

"Betty Davis Eyes" girl. I like her - kinda want to be her friend. She was very cool.

Okay - that's it. Now... "let's dim the lights!"

Funeral

About five years ago, I was at a funeral and was sitting in the back row of the funeral home. The service was in full swing. The pastor who was ushering this deceased man into the presence of God, did so like a complete idiot. Seriously. Worst funeral I've ever been to. He talked about what happens to the body as it disintegrates back to the "dust of the earth." Right. Not good. Who does that?

Anyway, as I was sitting there, next to my sister, I started getting bored. This guy was talking about how much Jesus suffered and a bunch of other stuff in the bible (pretty sure he went from Genesis to Revelation) so I was trying to find a way to entertain myself (counting the ceiling tiles, looking for people with strange neck moles, checking out what the world looked like by gazing through the glasses of the guy in front of me... normal stuff... A.D.D stuff.) Well, no moles, no glasses on the guy in front of me, and no ceilings tiles. So what's a boy to do?

I decided to see how asleep my foot could get.

It started out as an innocent test... really, it did. And then things got carried away. The pins and needles started in my foot, moved to my leg, my thigh, one butt cheek, my WHOLE butt.

I was amazed at just how asleep things can get if you don't re-position and let the blood-flow get moving. I kept touching my leg and butt and was kind of proud that I couldn't feel a thing. Nothing! All the while, the pastor was talking about death and the morbidity of it all.

Fast forward.

It's the end of the service and my plan is to re-position myself as the pastor is closing things out, to restart the blood-flow to my foot, leg and butt. So he begins to invite people forward to walk past the casket for one last goodbye. And when you invite the people forward, you start from the front, right? WRONG!

"Let's start with the back row," he says. Uh -oh. I began the self-encouragement immediately. The power of positive thinking, right? "Okay, I can do this. No biggie. I'll be fine." So I stand to my feet with everyone else in my row (my brother-in-law on one side, my sister on the other). So far so good. Standing on both feet - check. No problem. Then we started moving forward. I took my first step... and went down like a house of cards. On my way down I grabbed onto my brother-in-law's arm. My first thought was to fake being overwhelmed by grief. Too girlie. No one will believe that.

Now think about it. No one has any idea about my little secret game. No one knows that the entire left side of my lower body is as dead as the guy in the casket. My sister is standing behind me and says, "What's wrong?"

"My foot is asleep," I say, as if I'm surprised by this. "Just make it happen," I think, as I WILL myself to this feat of great dilution. I try to take another step and I CANNOT WALK! Meanwhile, everyone in my row is waiting on Idiot Boy to get moving so they can advance to the casket for their last goodbye.

My brother-in-law literally has to throw my arm over his shoulder and drag me through the row of chairs (as I write this, I still can't believe this actually happened) And I hear Heather saying, from the other side of my sister, "Is he okay, what's wrong?"

So as everyone forms a line and makes their way to the front, I sat off to the side with my sister, trying to get the feeling back into my lower extremities. She kept asking, "What happened?" Finally, I made her swear she'd never tell anyone. "What?" she said. She knew something was up. "I was seeing how asleep my foot would get... and well... I got a little carried away. I thought they would start dismissing from the front," I told her. "But they didn't, and I didn't have time to get my leg working again." It all made sense in my head.

I'll never forget her face. She grew up with me. She understood. I was still her little brother and even if I was thirty-two-years-old, she was not surprised.

I have to be honest. These are the things in life that make us unique AND that bug the crap out of other people. But it's all good. It's me. This is who I am. And I am a person who lets their leg fall asleep (a deep sleep) in order to take the edge off of my boredom.

Lead-offs

When I was in elementary school we played kickball. Constantly. We played it everyday during recess. Before each game started, we had to re-establish the rules. One question you always heard was...

"Are there lead-offs?"

Lead-offs were when you were on a base, waiting for the next kicker to kick, and you took two or three steps toward your next base BEFORE the ball was kicked. If you had a good lead-off, you almost never missed your base on a decent kick.

Sometimes we played with them; sometimes we didn't.

I'm so dang ready for spring. I spent most of yesterday feeling blue... or should I say white.... or sludgy brown. Anyway, I wasn't being honest about how I felt and that is never a good thing. "Fine," I say. "Nothing is wrong," (lifted eyebrows - tightened lips) "I'm totally good." I wasn't. I was blue. And when I'm feeling blue, I always think I'm not doing enough good in the world... or accomplishing enough... and making my dreams come true... etc.

I was telling Heather about this tonight after work, (I'd decided to stop saying, "Fine.") She was asking some good questions... like, "Would it help to exercise? Do you wanna have someone over for dinner?"... stuff like that. But I don't wanna have someone over for dinner... and I don't wanna exercise. This is how I know it's the February Blues... cuz I ALWAYS wanna have someone over for dinner.

So I told Heather that I was bored. That I didn't want to do anything. That I wanted someone to entertain me. I want someone to put me in an adult sized stroller... wheel me around to different places, and let people entertain me.

Anyway... I need a lead-off. I just think if I could get a lead-off, I'd make it home and everyone would put me on their shoulders and I'd be the MVP or something, and wouldn't have to feel bored or depressed. Right now, I feel like if I don't get a lead-off, I'm gonna feel the sting of that red rubber ball in the small of my back. Just saying it makes me feel better though. I think in a way, saying it IS the lead-off.

So here goes, "I'M READY FOR SPRING AND I'M A LITTLE DEPRESSED AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE EXERCISING OR MAKING MYSELF DO STUFF I DON'T WANNA DO, AND I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO TRY TO SOLVE MY PROBLEMS FOR ME UNLESS THEY PUT ON SOME TAP SHOES AND START DANCING AND PROVIDING SERIOUS ENTERTAINMENT!"

So there's my lead-off. Good for me.

This picture....

makes me happy... and...

makes me realize just how old they're getting
reminds me of what I'm living for
makes me crazy thankful
worries me a little (they are too pretty)
is a wake-up call to how much time I have left with them
is what I never had
is what many never have
IS what they have...
is what they will always have

Hotter than a Popcorn Fart

It may not be pretty, but this is for real...

(Scratching your head? See below)

Beans, Jesus, Reading, Beans, Jesus, Gas

Here's an update...

It was a snow day today and I wanted to get going on my new read "Jesus Wants to Save Christians." Still love the title. So I've read and eaten beans and rice all day. Remember in "Ice Castles?" (Please tell me someone besides me has seen this movie.) Remember when Lexie is blind at the end of the movie and no one knows she blind - and she trips on the roses and now everyone knows she's blind. And Robbie Benson has to get her off the ice, so he goes out to retrieve her and when he gets to her he says,

"We forgot about the roses." And they did.

Well, I ate beans, and guess what?

"I forgot about the roses." Only they weren't roses. They DEFINITELY weren't roses.

Okay - so I took Chloe to gymnastics this evening and sat in the balcony of the gym and read, read, read. And I am... speechless... don't even know what to say. I'm sad, inspired, challenged and moved, angry and overwhelmed and powerless... yet hopeful and happy and enlightened... and capable, equipped, and power-FULL!

Let me give you just a couple quotes from this anointed (I don't use this word lightly) book...

"A church's authority comes from how we've been broken open and poured out, not from how well we've pursued power and lobbied and organized ourselves to triumph. This is why when Christians organize politically and start flexing that muscle, making threats about how they are going to impose their way on others, so many people turn away from Jesus.

"Jesus' followers at that point are claiming to be the voice of God, but they are speaking the language of Caesar [of the empire] and using the methods of Rome, and for millions of us it has the stench of Solomon. (and then this... which I love) This is not the path of descent, it's not weak resonating with weak, it's not the Way."

LOVE IT!

So our authority, STILL, (as it was always meant to be) comes from surrender... from weakness. Jesus in the garden... swords drawn to defend him... a guy's ear cut off, and what? He puts and end to it. Says "this isn't going to work... put your swords away." We still haven't learned our lesson, have we? We get backed into a religious corner and we draw our sword. And Jesus would rebuke us, of this I'm certain.

Okay - how about this quote?

" 'I am the Lord your God, who brought you (us - you and me - the church) out of Egypt.' ...The church must cling to her memory of exodus, because if that memory is forgotten, the church may forget the poor, and if the poor are forgotten, the church may forget what it was like to be enslaved, and that would be forgetting the grace of God. And that would be forgetting who we are."

Beautiful.

Okay, last one...

"Isaiah declared that Egypt, Assyria and Israel would worship together. Egypt? The enemy? Assyria? The hated? If the prophet were to speak to us today, painting pictures of what it will look like when Jesus comes to town, what pictures would he give us? Who are our enemies today? What would be the modern equivalent of this? Taliban, my son? Al Qaeda, my beloved? Communion (the Lord's supper... the Eucharist) is about the church setting the table for the whole world."

THE WHOLE WORLD. I love this. I've had my own thoughts about "personal salvation" for quite some time - and how, yes, I need to be saved. But Jesus' salvation is for EVERYONE IN THE WORLD - and His salvation puts us all on level ground. My "enemies" are my brothers and sisters. Like really they are. And if God is not locked into loving America more that any other country (that would be favoritism), and we are supposed to be like Him, then shouldn't we esteem those countries, our enemies, our brothers and sisters, above our ourselves?

Shouldn't we put THEM before US?

Shouldn't WE set the table so THEY can eat first?

Nods and amens won't do anything though, will they?

God help me.

For real... God, help me.

Jesus Wants to Save CHRISTIANS!

HERE ME OUT ON THIS ONE...

First of all, I've been reading this book.


It is challenging me - and in some ways it is disheartening. At the end of this post, will be a challenge for any of you (maybe all of you) who read this. And I'd love it if you would join me.

"Jesus Wants to Save Christians" is a great title for a book, by the way. I HIGHLY recommend this one. Order it, get it, read it, talk about it, and fix it... in that order.

First of all, the book has helped me (for the first time in my life - yep, I'm a pastor) to grasp the Old Testament story; that it's MY story. I actually feel like if someone said, "Hey, what's up with the Old Testament?" I wouldn't stare at the floor in hopes that they'd ask me something else; like something about the NEW testament.

So the first part of the book goes something like this:
Pharaoh owned slaves in Egypt - and used their slave labor to build his empire. (Empire) The Israelites (Pharaoh's slaves) prayed and asked God to help them; to deliver them from Pharaoh. And most of us know that God heard their cry and did it. And that they ran through the Red Sea, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Years later, the Israelites are in Jerusalem and Solomon is King. Now here's something I'd never connected that is SOOOOOO interesting. God told the Israelites NOT TO FORGET what He'd done for them; that He'd delivered them from bondage back in Egypt. So King Solomon, in order to not forget, is building a GINORMOUS temple, that looked something like this...

(a tad old school if you ax me)

He's not only building a temple, but a vast empire. (There's that word again.) Okay, so the temple is all fancy and beautiful and God is supposed to move in to it. BUT guess what? Solomon, in order to build this fancy temple is WORKING SLAVES HALF TO DEATH!!! This is key. The very thing that the Israelites had prayed for God to deliver them from is exactly what they are using in order to remember that God had delivered them from slavery. DUH! I mean c'mon... "Thank you God for delivering us from slavery.... MUSH SLAVE! BUILD GOD'S TEMPLE SO WE DON'T FORGET WE WERE ONCE SLAVES TOO!" It's a touch icky.

Okay - so now I'm moving on. So here we are in 2009 and this book is talking to me about the difference between "need" and "luxury." And of course, we all know about this, right? Well, here's an interesting paragraph that provides a little perspective on the issue. This is specifically regarding America...

"Human history has never witnessed the abundance that we consider normal. America is the wealthiest nation in the history of humanity. We have more resources than any group of people anywhere at any time has ever had. Ever. God bless America? God has."

So of course, the authors (Rob Bell, Don Golden) go on to give a zillion statistics, the likes of which we've all read before...nothing new. Except this time, I'm listening. And here's why. I'm listening because the empire that Pharaoh had created, fell. The empire that the freed Israelites had created along with King Solomon, fell. And there are others. And there will BE others. And this "falling" is connected to something that happens on the road from "need" to "luxury." There is something that gets lost in translation, in a BIG way. And here's what it is.

We start viewing luxuries as needs. And before long... we have no understanding of what "need" is, and luxury has replaced need and we no longer have a reference for what it means to live without luxury. So is luxury bad? Well, it wasn't in Jerusalem. But when they accumulated luxury, they forgot God. And how do we know this? Because they abused the weaker man, and started viewing their luxuries as needs and didn't take care of those weaker than themselves because they were too busy providing luxury for themselves.

Luxury vs Need. Forgetting God. What does that look like for us?

It looks like us thinking that losing our home and having to move into an apartment is completly devastating. It looks like our kids thinking that wearing their "not so cool" outfit to school is a cataclysmic event. The book goes on to say (here's my favorite part) that when JESUS talks about helping the poor, widows, and orphans, that we don't even know what that looks like - because we have no reference for it. Know why? BECAUSE WE ARE PERSERVING OUR LUXURIES... and when you preserve accumulated luxuries you can't help the poor... because you may not have enough left for your luxuries? Luxuries that are now seen as needs.

(Take a deep breath for a second - I had to.)

So they say that it's almost impossible (unless we change) to view Jesus' statements to "help the poor" the way someone in a third world country would. Someone in a third world country might hear that message and know that it meant to "share everything that they had, so that no one was in need."

Okay - I'm ending all this with a challenge. Whether you think it's a real big challenge or a real small challenge, I'd love it if you'd join me on it.

Tonight we had these for dinner...

I put an uneaten two in baggies for another time. (Probably because I've been reading this book. However, it is very likely, depending on the laziness factor, that they would've ended up in the trash.) As I was cleaning up I thought about "need" vs "luxury" and how important it is to know the difference... because, like I said, if you don't know the difference... you usually end up forgetting God (what He said not to do) and the empire crumbles. You can go big with this thought; big as in the AMERICAN empire... or you can think about your personal empire; the empire of SELF. The problem here is not luxury. The problem is forgetting what luxury is and who it comes from. The problem is not giving to the poor because I see my luxuries as needs and I'm hell-bent on preserving them.

This has become a problem in my home. It needs to change. So here's what I'm up to: Starting on Wednesday, I'm going on a steady diet of this:

That's right... a steady diet of red beans and rice... morning, noon and night, for 3 days. This will help me understand the difference, in some small form, between "need" (food -rb&rice) and "luxury" (ice cream, [sorry, top of my list these days] steak, chicken, assortment... variety).

Here's another thing. We recycle paper. No big deal, right. I hate that pile sitting in my kitchen that looks like this:

It bugs the crap out of me. I looked at it just tonight and thought, "I hate that messy pile. I wish we didn't recycle paper." (a word to myself - excuse me for a moment) "Seriously Matt? Because I'm pretty sure that recycling is VERY important to our environment these days." (okay, I'm back). So the second part of my challenge is to recycle something... anything... underwear, Tupperware, whatever. Or if you already recycle something... to get a good attitude about it (talking to myself here). To ENJOY that recycling is a need (believe it or not, I've considered not recycling, as a luxury that I enjoyed.... don't shake your finger at me!)

So are you up for it? (Amanda - I don't think you can do this pregnant) Are you interested in gaining a better understanding of "need" vs "luxury" SO THAT -1. we can remind ourselves of where our luxuries come from (don't forget me... God, that is.) and -2. keep the empire (America, ourselves) from being torn down and driven off our land. (yes, it's a metaphor... well, maybe.)

I leave you with one last quote from the book:

"If a particular resource becomes scarce at home or in other parts of the world, it can be very difficult to cut back, because the powerful forces of entitlement convince us certain things are deserved. Empires naturally accumulate, accumulation has consequences, and those consequences are expensive."

Are you up for it? Let me know.

SPEECHLESS!

...and here's why...



This showed up on facebook today. I almost couldn't believe it was me. My head... Chloe's body. I've heard people say "You're so thin." Uhhh, this is exactly 41lbs ago (and at the same height, I might add.) I think it gives new meaning to the word "skinny." Bratty Beth called and said, "E.T. phone home!"

The thing about living in this day and age is, (especially with things like facebook) you just never know what might turn up. I have no recollection of this whatsoever. I mean, how did I find the time to work myself through high school AND compete in body building competitions?

This one is my favorite. I call it "Body for Waif."


And who could forget prom? Wow! I was not Prom King at "The Midnight Masquerade." What kind of sucky theme is that anyway?

You Know What I Think?

It doesn't really matter in the long run (or the short) but I want to give anyone who reads this blog permission to NOT have to use Internet, facebook, myspace, texting language. It's dumb. DUMB! And it's weird when 30-somethings write crap like "LMAO" or whatever. Half the time I'm trying to figure out what it means. Seriously, is the "hahahahaha" thing supposed to make me think you're really laughing, or is just to let me know that you've made a joke? Either way, I can't hear you laughing. But I can assume (even without notification) that when you read a cute comment, see a funny picture, or receive a text-joke, that you smile and go on with your day... and that you probably don't throw your head back and go "HA HA HA HA HA" right out loud. I could be wrong.

Would it be appropriate to reply SIMC if I get a text that's not really that funny and alls I'm doing is...well...sitting in my chair? Or should I comment IWIWMW (I wish I were more witty) in a comment box, if I'm at a loss? Or what about IOSYB as a sort of confessional if "I only skimmed your blog."

I have to be honest; I've done the "hahahaha" thing before. I only did it once but it felt weird... like I was lying; cuz I wasn't really laughing. But there are times I've been laughing real hard... but haven't let anyone, via the Internet, know. Was that laugh fractional? Was it wasted because no one knew I was LMAO? I read a comment recently on a facebook that went something like this:

"OMG - hahahahaha - that is hilarious - hahahaha. I'm totally LMAO - OMG - I can't believe that.... WTF - ahahahaha!"

I've also noticed that when GOOD Christians text they don't use "LMAO" but instead use "LMBO." And they also don't use "WTF" but instead use "WTF" (what the frick).

Obviously you can do what you want. I mean, who am I to make the rules? I guess I just think that Internet abbreviated-lingo should be reserved for college age and down - sort of how 70-year-old ladies shouldn't get breast implants, and 65 year-old-men shouldn't shave lines in the sides of their hair. That's it.

TFL,

Matt (thanks for listening)

What To Do

without hesitation
or judgement
or shame

I knew what to do
and did it

conclusive options
lined up like candies
each with a secret center
that would be...

worthless
tasteless
or...

perfect.

and this time...
i saw it

i ate it.

how a chocolatier's eyes
see and Know
if only by drizzled embellishment
so my gut, finally
knew exactly what to do

Foot in Mouth Part II

So I've been thinking about the whole "Are your eyes blue?... Nope... woopsie, just cataracts" thing. And I think "Foot in Mouth Disease" stems from something else altogether. I have a problem sticking my foot in my mouth, yes. But where it begins is a whole different issue. BEFORE I say something, I usually get fixated on something that is not quite... normal. Like the guy with the cataracts... (see that post here) Once I'm fixated... I'm like Rain Man on Wapner -I just can't seem to let it go. Let me explain.

There was guy who used to work at Burger King in my home town. He had those little arms, ya know? And I couldn't stop thinking about them when I was there. He would swing one of them up to the fry caddy to fetch my fries. It was beautiful. And while little arm #1 was fetching the fries, little arm #2 pinched the buger bag up close to his body. It was like majic, those little arms. I was mesmerized since they barely even made it out of his shirt sleeves, and they were short sleeves, which made it all the more impressive.

I also knew a guy for 10 YEARS that had a blackhead on his ear. Never told him. Watched it everytime he wasn't looking, wondering if it was even possible for him to find it without the right mirror.

This problem of mine (and possibly yours... Katie C. are you reading this?) manifests itself in different ways. I was a nose nazi with my babies. Couldn't let it go - even if they had a cold. And it's not like I wanted to be this way... or that I even thought it was bad to have the dried up snot all over their faces. I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I COULDN'T, as in, it wasn't possible.

And the list goes on and on - I can get fixated on any number of things. For instance:

1. I once knew a kid whose k-9 teeth were right next to his front teeth - wrong spot. Couldn't stop looking at them.
2. Moles. Nuff said.
3. A mashed finger that never gets better.
4. A HALF finger from a mowing accident.
5. In 3rd grade Belinda Adams' blonde hair was green after the summer - I stared at it every day in lunch in total amazement. I was sad it didn't make it til Christmas.
6. Dirty ears.
7. Dirt lines in someone's neck. (mostly just kids these days.)
8. Woobies in the corner of someone's eyes.
9. Talk balls in the corner of someone's mouth. One of my favorites. ("When will they feel 'em there - can't they feel them stretching out like that?")
10. The one-thick-shoe-sole man.

I know... it seems ridiculous, maybe even mean, but there's not a whole lot you can do about it. I've been told I was "mean spirited," and have felt bad on occasion, but then I read an article in a magazine called "ADDitude" (which is a great magazine dedicated to educacting people on ADD) that gave reasons why someone does this. How they may have a sense of "hyper-focus" and struggle to let stuff go. It could be anything... a fight; a slight oddity; a desire for a specific food item; etc. Well, that's me. I could be minding my own business & having lunch - and well, if the music is even slightly audible, it's very possible that I could get fixated on a bass guitar line, even if I'm carrying on a conversation with someone across the table. And well, if someone walks by with only one leg... I'm toast. Lunch over.

But anyway... there IS hope. And here's how I know. The other day I was in the kitchen and Chloe was watching a news show. Well, there was a girl on there who was a swimmer of some sort and she had no feet. I wasn't paying attention to the show. So Chloe says, "Rewind that Evalee - I wanna show daddy the girl swimmer with no feet." To which I replied, "That's okay honey - I don't really wanna see it." To which Heather sarcastically replied, "Wow; that's a first. You sure you don't wanna see the freak show?!?!" What can I say? She just doesn't understand.

I was proud though. I really didn't wanna see. And it's not because I had seen it before either. I've see "The Half Ton Man" on A and E about 17 times and I'm thinking about ordering the DVD. Fascinating.

Anyway, me not asking Ev to rewind it so I could try to figure out how a girl with no feet gets a spot on a swim team is proof positive that people can change.

Oh -and if you wanna check out the magazine "ADDitude," here's the website for ya. Great stuff!

Shuttle Run

About 4 years ago, me, Heather's mom and a couple of Heather's cousins were sitting in Lois' (Heather's mom) hot tub. It was about 12 degrees that evening and there was at least 3-4 feet of snow on the ground. We were all laughing and having a great time. I got the great idea of daring my cousin Aaron to get out of the hot tub and run to the tree and back (about 20 yards). After much coaxing and jeering, he did it - and then several of us followed.

Okay, so I LOVE Heather's mom - cracks me up! So she's laughing with all of us (loves being around people) and is enjoying the hot tub, when I say,

"Hey Mom, I dare you to do it; only you have to run to the tree, dive in the snow, and run back." Everyone started rolling at the thought. Surely she wouldn't. I almost knew when I asked that she'd be game. She was. She was about 62 at the time.

So she got out of the hot tub and ran to the tree... "Dive, Dive!" we were all yelling. But instead of diving, she just fell straight back (Nestea plunge style) into the snow -and since it was so deep, she completely disappeared. Hilarious. So when she got back up - I started yelling, "Dive, DIVE!" as if she hadn't done enough already. So she does - head first. We were ROLLING! Oh my word - funniest thing I've ever seen. She is running back to the hot tub covered in snow... wearing a bathing suit; I mean seriously, get a picture in your head. It was hysterical. So as she's getting back in the hot tub, she says, "Man, that water stings!"

So anyway, this past week, we were at my sister-in-law's house for Christmas - and somehow a memory of Heather winning the shuttle run as a kid is brought up. (She's very proud of this. Says she won on account that her legs are only as long as my arm... says it puts her closer to the ground and she doesn't have to do a whole lot of bending over, which is a time saver.) Anyway, the next thing you know - it is ON! So two shoes are set up in the living room, time keeper recruited, and BANG, they were off. Heather went first and set the pace at 5.8 seconds. But what I was really waiting for was Lois. I knew she'd do it. She's 66 now so of course she had to make a couple lame excuses about how she might break something, blah, blah, blah - but then... she went for it.

Here it is.



I love her for this. Sounds corny - but this crap makes me feel young. Seeing her squatting at the starting line, and watching her throw herself across the finish line was a week's worth of devotions for me. I'll carry this for years - and when she passes on (probably when she's 113) I will fight to have this played during her funeral service. Know why? Because this IS Lois... at least to me it is.

Life is good. Live it to the full - don't you think?

Oh, and her time... 6.9 seconds. Not too shabby!

I know, I know - "Where's Heather's video?" Oh, I have it alright. But I'll have to ask first. I dare not post that thing without permission.

Foot in Mouth Disease

One time I told a lady that she looked cute pregnant.  She wasn't.  Almost everyone has done this.  I do it a lot.

A few years ago a girl walked in my office.  It was a girl who had one dark tooth.  All the others were beautifully white so this dark one stood out like beard dandruff.  (Ever seen it?  I have.)  So I was typing away at my computer and looked over at Dark Toothed Girl, and exclaimed, "Oh, you got your tooth fixed!"  I was happy for her.  

She got a sort of weird look on her face and then responded..."No I didn't."  A closer look...evaluation...and I realize that the dead tooth is STILL DEAD!  As it turns out, the light from the windows was glistening on the dead tooth, which made it appear to fall in line with all the others.  Total bummer.  I hate that I do this.  Hate it.

I've tried many times to stop doing this.  Problem is, there's not a lot of good ways to "work" on this, ya know?  It's an impulse problem... I blame it on my ADD.

So two days before Christmas, Heather and I attended the Trans Siberian Orchestra concert here in Indy.  It was great.  I noticed on our way in the auditorium, that our African American usher of about 75 years, though very dark skinned, had blue eyes.  "Beautiful" I thought to myself.  I wish I would've stopped there.  Sigh.  I didn't.

"Wow.  You have blue eyes!" I said.

"No I don't," he said.

"Sure you do," I say.  And I'm thinking there's no way he has blue contacts.  He was way too old for that kind of vanity.

"Nope, I don't," he says again.  Okay, so right here's where I should have shut my mouth, handed over my tickets, and headed in for the show.  I know that now.

But I don't stop.  Instead I turn to Heather and say, "They're blue right?"  

"No," she says, and has that "Why are you talking to the usher about his eyes?" face that I've seen a billion times.  I've seen it when I've asked to see someone's tattoo before..., or their toenail that has that fungus disease.  (I call it "Crap Toe."  My sister calls it, "Thick Toenail."

So at this point I'm a little embarrassed that Heather and Usher Man emphatically deny the man's obvious blue eyes, so I cave and decide to let it go.  "Oh," I say.  And that's it.  But I DIDN'T say, "Oh, you're right."  Know why?  CAUSE THEY WERE BLUE!

So we walk in the auditorium and I say to Heather, "His eyes were blue.  Why the heck did you say they weren't blue?  Did you really not think they were blue?"

"Because Matt... He has cataracts!"

Uhhhhhh.....

Nice.

Do you know what cataracts are?  They look a little something like this...

I thought about going back out and apologizing.  But what do you say?  "Hey, sorry about the blue eye thing... but seriously...your cataracts are slammin'!"

Anyway, I fear Foot in Mouth disease is incurable.  Any remedies would be much appreciated.

Wood

Heather and I were glad to trade in our "Easy Bake Oven" when we moved from Michigan to Indiana. Now we have a real life "wood burning" fireplace... as it should be. I think it's funny that Heather's mom saw our new fireplace here in Indiana and said, "Awww, that's too bad... no gas logs."

A couple nights ago was our very first fire of the year. The girls are finally old enough to go get fire wood (mowing the lawn is just around the corner).

This pic is what they first came back with - and I said...

"Go get something bigger than baby wood!"


So they left and came back with this!

Impressive!

Happy Season!!!

Fa la la la la... I'm happy!

MY 100th POST!

Yes - this is my 100th post! And what a way to commemorate it. My book arrived yesterday...all 500 of them! And I WILL sell out (the books, that is). I got a couple pics of them hogging my office. They can hog all they want - I LOVE them!

Okay - so one funny story. First I opened one of the boxes (the first of 16 boxes). Then I tore open a plastic packing bag. Then I removed the shrink wrap from a bundle of books. I took one book in my hands, prayed for it (not really), "oohed" and "ahhed" at it - AND THEN....

...opened it. AND....

...the guts were upside down! No kidding. The whole inside of the book was UPSIDE DOWN!!!

Right, so of course I was like "What the!" And I quickly grabbed for another thinking, "Every one of these suckers is going to be upside down and I'm going to have to send these BACK!?!?! I could feel the stress...are you with me? What are the chances?

So I sifted through 500 books - opened every cover to make sure my babies weren't retarded. 499 were perfect!

So I was telling my friend about this and said, "What are the chances that I would pick THAT box, and then THAT book from that box; it being the ONLY one that was upside down.

"One in 500," he says.

"Oh... right."

WINTER!!! LOVE it! Some of it.

Okay - it's winter - and the snow is here...even if only for a few days.

The girls spent about 2 hours outside on Sunday, building a snowfort and snow...girl?


Love this pic - snowgirl with a pony tail. LOVE this about Chloe.

Decorations... complete with electric train under the tree.
(okay, for real...it's a pain in the butt)

I love our house at Christmas...and we decorate...EVERYTHING!

This one doesn't have much to do with anything other than my 10 year old (in 4 days) looks a little younger to me in this picture...and I like that. Isn't she precious?

Great Friends....miss 'em!

We were in Michigan for Thanksgiving and met up with our good friends...our best friends, John and Beth and their family. Here are some pics.

John is less than convincing in this pic...oh wait - sersiously? Is he doing what I think he's doing? Okay, for real...just noticed that. Hilarious. I'm leaving it.

I love this pic because Amanda is getting older and you can tell. Plus I love Ev and Tori in the background - click on this one, Tori's face is worth it.

Best friends. There's a rumor that these two share a Chistmas ornament. Oh wait, that's no rumor.

The whole fam at Heather's parent's house. And Mimi. Only dog allowed in her parent's house. I'm telling you, this dog is a charmer.

So good SOOO good to see friends.

Love you guys!

The Blind Writer (The Book) is AVAILABLE!

Hey Hey - it is ready!!! But first, a few words from our sponsor.

#1 - please - PRETTY PLEASE; if you intend to purchase a copy of The Blind Writer and you are in the area (the indy area) DO NOT order it online; and here's why: I will have copies in Capstone Bookstore at my church (CORNER OF HAZEL DELL AND 131ST - AT NORTHVIEW CHRISTIAN LIFE CHURCH) and they will be available next weekend (DEC. 5th and 6th). I need to sell those copies since they are all on my dime and I'm trying to make back the money it cost me to order these up. It would be a big fat BUMMER to pay millions of dollars in overhead and not make that $$$ back. (Have I already crapped on the release of this thing?) :) (smiley face denotes nervous desire to sell these things and pay off my credit card... hands awringing.)

#2 Tell all your friends it's the best book you've ever read and that it relates to whatever ails them; shoplifting, power tools, hard heels, different cheeses, trendsetting, bed wetting, dog shedding, blood letting... Oh yes, and spirituality and freedom from religiosity. If they need it; it's in there.

#3 So CLICK HERE and you can order a copy. This site also provides information on the subject matter of the book, and contains a snippet from the intro.

A HUGE thanks for support, critiques, encouragement, and shared excitement on this thing. Much of your excitement has been a catalyst for finishing the job. (Yes, I agree; it feels like a grammy award speech - but this is a heartfelt "thank you" for reading my blog and spurring me on.)

On a personal note... being able to share the difficulties I've journeyed through, spiritually and emotionally, is inspiring to me. I feel privileged at the thought of someone taking one step closer to Jesus (the real Jesus) and His very real healing.

And so... this is a grateful time in my life (and I suppose a great season to be thankful)

Okay so enough of my blabbing - ORDER AWAY!

Your friend,

Matt

A couple pics

First of all... look at my dog. She is the BEST DOG IN THE WORLD! She sat in this thing for like 10 minutes while we laughed and snapped pictures of her. You do "snap" pics, right?


Second... today is "crazy hair day" at school. We do this every year - and every year Chloe wants the bee hive (3 years in a row). After I was done with their hair, Heather told me that the bottle of hairspray I was using was $13.00. So great, it should hold then.

My girls are fun...love 'em!

ELFin Magic

Okay - if you haven't done this yet...do it! It is hilarious. Laughed my BIRTHDAY butt off (that's right, send presents.)

HERE is the link to see ours.

AND HERE is another one (this is Heather's fav)