I am planning to have a BOOK ready by mid-summer, entitled "The Blind Writer: Life After Christian Policy" I have been hard at work on it and am beginning the editing process. I will be leaving excerpts from time to time.
The book will focus on the spiritual journey I have been on since the year 2000 or so. God has changed my Christian view point in some incredible ways, and I long to share those with others. That's the point of the book. I hope I can peak your interest and gain your support through this project.
Love to the 5 of you who read this blog.
Matt (Below is one of the chapters from my book entitled, "Turning Point")
Last night I dreamed that my friend said she would do anything to get her life back. She cried horrible hot tears and pled her case to her friends, saying, “I will do anything! Whatever it takes, I will do it.”
One of her friends asked her to go to counseling, to which she replied, “I’ve already been before and they said I was fine.”
Then the friend said, “You said you would do anything. But you won’t go to counseling?”
“I already told you, I’ve done counseling before and they said I was all better.”
“So you won’t do anything. You’ll only do what you decide ‘anything’ is.”
Blank Stare.
Everyone in the room silently agreed with the friend and knew that things would go on exactly as they were.
That’s the definition of insanity, ya know; doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I know people like this, and have been a person like this, and am still tempted to be a person like this. One of my mentors says, “A person will only begin to change their life when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. In 2003 the pain of staying the same, became greater than, for me.
I was on staff at a church. Our senior pastor had been caught in an affair with a lady in our church, which led to more issues than you’d find at the “Sons of Overbearing Mothers” convention. I had felt a lack of control in my life before. Mostly as a child, and in that way you can’t totally realize what is going on. But as an adult, I had always been an optimist and had always believed I could “get through it,” and that people who couldn’t “get through it” just weren’t trying hard enough.
This was the first time my wit, charm, above-average good looks (I mean c’mon, have you looked at the back cover of this thing?) could not seem to pull me out of the funk I had found myself in. Everything I said, everything I did, TANKED! Nothing worked. The issues originating with a devilish foothold (the affair in our church leadership) were not going away. They were, in fact, growing…multiplying. Every meeting yeilded more problems. Every time I opened my mouth, I was either misunderstood or I mis-communicated. The tension was mounting like a pressure cooker without a release valve.
When you’ve always been able to figure things out and make things work (or so you thought) it’s only natural to blame others when they don't. Since I’d never had a problem getting my head together, I knew it couldn’t be me – that, in fact, it must’ve been Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick.
Blaming was my first and last resort. I started with blaming, and when I couldn’t convince others to believe me, I went back to blaming…for a while. Without dragging this thing out, let’s just say I was at rock bottom. Depressed, losing weight, blah, blah, blah…I was a mess. It was at this point that I finally spoke words that would become a turning point for me. And let me tell you, I had spoken these words before, but not really meant them. I had said them so that people within ear shot would recognize the spirituality oozing from my soul. To cut myself a little break here, I had also said them thinking I really meant them; thinking they were true. They weren’t. But now, flat on my back, broke down, marriage fizzling out, I said them and believed them to my core.
“I can’t do it.”
And I finally knew they were not words to just throw around. That they were now, and always had been, true.
Well, I’d like to say it was all uphill from this point on, but it wasn’t. I mean, it sort of was (remember, I’m an optimist). It was at this point that I began to see things change in my life. There had been some ground work laid for these changes. I had come to know some significant people who were rubbing off on me and challenging me in the "real" department. I remember hearing things like: “Facing this stuff is going to feel like death. Literally, you might feel like you’re dying.” Great. I can't wait to get started. Where do I sign up to DIE? Well you know what? I felt like I had no other options. Things were real sucky and I already pretty much felt dead so why not just pull the plug?
Up until this point I would have told people, and fully believed, that I was already "dead to myself." I wasn't. Maybe in some small way I sort of was, but not really. If you are dying, you are usually fighting - and I was not fighting for much of anything. That's thing about life as a beleiver in Jesus; we love to hear of freedom, love, peace and forgiveness, and sort glance over the "when they hate you, they really hate me" parts. So 33 years old was the magic age for dying to my flesh(alot more of it); same age as Jesus when he was crucified. In fact, on my 33rd birthday I wrote this short poem:
33
Jesus Christ was thirty three years old when he died
He took his past with him
He was thirty three
And so am I
This “death” led me sifting through my past; learning how to be a man, investigating my insecurities, finding strength in the revelations of my weaknesses. It has been incredible. Hard, but incredible. Of course I will always be tempted to go back to Egypt – that was once a very comfortable place for me, and I still know how to “do” Egypt. But in this recovery, I keep pushing forward. I keep confessing my weakness, seeking support, and doing my best to think about today and let tomorrow take care of itself. This is my new normal.
And here’s what kills me about this new journey I’m on. “I can’t do it!” is my new mantra, but yet I have to get up and…do it? Yep. And all the strength to be able to “do it” comes from God, yet I have to choose to do it, but then give myself no credit because it was God, even though if I hadn’t decided to “do it” I would still be at square one, flat on my back and broken down. So I did do it, right? Well, sort of I guess, but not really.
Mmmm-hmmm, it’s a delicate balance. God strengthens me, and then I get up and walk, keeping my eyes on him because I know that is where my strength is coming from. It’s a tough thing to explain, truth be told. But if you are broke down, depressed, marriage fizzling, empty and dried up, and are still trying the same things to no avail…hello! Time to die.
Remember my friend in the dream? That kind of life just sucks. I don’t know how else to say it. She was willing to do “anything; whatever it takes,” except look inside and change. You know why? Cause no one wants to die. Jesus didn’t either.
