About five years ago, I was at a funeral and was sitting in the back row of the funeral home. The service was in full swing. The pastor who was ushering this deceased man into the presence of God, did so like a complete idiot. Seriously. Worst funeral I've ever been to. He talked about what happens to the body as it disintegrates back to the "dust of the earth." Right. Not good. Who does that?
Anyway, as I was sitting there, next to my sister, I started getting bored. This guy was talking about how much Jesus suffered and a bunch of other stuff in the bible (pretty sure he went from Genesis to Revelation) so I was trying to find a way to entertain myself (counting the ceiling tiles, looking for people with strange neck moles, checking out what the world looked like by gazing through the glasses of the guy in front of me... normal stuff... A.D.D stuff.) Well, no moles, no glasses on the guy in front of me, and no ceilings tiles. So what's a boy to do?
I decided to see how asleep my foot could get.
It started out as an innocent test... really, it did. And then things got carried away. The pins and needles started in my foot, moved to my leg, my thigh, one butt cheek, my WHOLE butt.
I was amazed at just how asleep things can get if you don't re-position and let the blood-flow get moving. I kept touching my leg and butt and was kind of proud that I couldn't feel a thing. Nothing! All the while, the pastor was talking about death and the morbidity of it all.
Fast forward.
It's the end of the service and my plan is to re-position myself as the pastor is closing things out, to restart the blood-flow to my foot, leg and butt. So he begins to invite people forward to walk past the casket for one last goodbye. And when you invite the people forward, you start from the front, right? WRONG!
"Let's start with the back row," he says. Uh -oh. I began the self-encouragement immediately. The power of positive thinking, right? "Okay, I can do this. No biggie. I'll be fine." So I stand to my feet with everyone else in my row (my brother-in-law on one side, my sister on the other). So far so good. Standing on both feet - check. No problem. Then we started moving forward. I took my first step... and went down like a house of cards. On my way down I grabbed onto my brother-in-law's arm. My first thought was to fake being overwhelmed by grief. Too girlie. No one will believe that.
Now think about it. No one has any idea about my little secret game. No one knows that the entire left side of my lower body is as dead as the guy in the casket. My sister is standing behind me and says, "What's wrong?"
"My foot is asleep," I say, as if I'm surprised by this. "Just make it happen," I think, as I WILL myself to this feat of great dilution. I try to take another step and I CANNOT WALK! Meanwhile, everyone in my row is waiting on Idiot Boy to get moving so they can advance to the casket for their last goodbye.
My brother-in-law literally has to throw my arm over his shoulder and drag me through the row of chairs (as I write this, I still can't believe this actually happened) And I hear Heather saying, from the other side of my sister, "Is he okay, what's wrong?"
So as everyone forms a line and makes their way to the front, I sat off to the side with my sister, trying to get the feeling back into my lower extremities. She kept asking, "What happened?" Finally, I made her swear she'd never tell anyone. "What?" she said. She knew something was up. "I was seeing how asleep my foot would get... and well... I got a little carried away. I thought they would start dismissing from the front," I told her. "But they didn't, and I didn't have time to get my leg working again." It all made sense in my head.
I'll never forget her face. She grew up with me. She understood. I was still her little brother and even if I was thirty-two-years-old, she was not surprised.
I have to be honest. These are the things in life that make us unique AND that bug the crap out of other people. But it's all good. It's me. This is who I am. And I am a person who lets their leg fall asleep (a deep sleep) in order to take the edge off of my boredom.
Anyway, as I was sitting there, next to my sister, I started getting bored. This guy was talking about how much Jesus suffered and a bunch of other stuff in the bible (pretty sure he went from Genesis to Revelation) so I was trying to find a way to entertain myself (counting the ceiling tiles, looking for people with strange neck moles, checking out what the world looked like by gazing through the glasses of the guy in front of me... normal stuff... A.D.D stuff.) Well, no moles, no glasses on the guy in front of me, and no ceilings tiles. So what's a boy to do?
I decided to see how asleep my foot could get.
It started out as an innocent test... really, it did. And then things got carried away. The pins and needles started in my foot, moved to my leg, my thigh, one butt cheek, my WHOLE butt.
I was amazed at just how asleep things can get if you don't re-position and let the blood-flow get moving. I kept touching my leg and butt and was kind of proud that I couldn't feel a thing. Nothing! All the while, the pastor was talking about death and the morbidity of it all.
Fast forward.
It's the end of the service and my plan is to re-position myself as the pastor is closing things out, to restart the blood-flow to my foot, leg and butt. So he begins to invite people forward to walk past the casket for one last goodbye. And when you invite the people forward, you start from the front, right? WRONG!
"Let's start with the back row," he says. Uh -oh. I began the self-encouragement immediately. The power of positive thinking, right? "Okay, I can do this. No biggie. I'll be fine." So I stand to my feet with everyone else in my row (my brother-in-law on one side, my sister on the other). So far so good. Standing on both feet - check. No problem. Then we started moving forward. I took my first step... and went down like a house of cards. On my way down I grabbed onto my brother-in-law's arm. My first thought was to fake being overwhelmed by grief. Too girlie. No one will believe that.
Now think about it. No one has any idea about my little secret game. No one knows that the entire left side of my lower body is as dead as the guy in the casket. My sister is standing behind me and says, "What's wrong?"
"My foot is asleep," I say, as if I'm surprised by this. "Just make it happen," I think, as I WILL myself to this feat of great dilution. I try to take another step and I CANNOT WALK! Meanwhile, everyone in my row is waiting on Idiot Boy to get moving so they can advance to the casket for their last goodbye.
My brother-in-law literally has to throw my arm over his shoulder and drag me through the row of chairs (as I write this, I still can't believe this actually happened) And I hear Heather saying, from the other side of my sister, "Is he okay, what's wrong?"
So as everyone forms a line and makes their way to the front, I sat off to the side with my sister, trying to get the feeling back into my lower extremities. She kept asking, "What happened?" Finally, I made her swear she'd never tell anyone. "What?" she said. She knew something was up. "I was seeing how asleep my foot would get... and well... I got a little carried away. I thought they would start dismissing from the front," I told her. "But they didn't, and I didn't have time to get my leg working again." It all made sense in my head.
I'll never forget her face. She grew up with me. She understood. I was still her little brother and even if I was thirty-two-years-old, she was not surprised.
I have to be honest. These are the things in life that make us unique AND that bug the crap out of other people. But it's all good. It's me. This is who I am. And I am a person who lets their leg fall asleep (a deep sleep) in order to take the edge off of my boredom.
7 comments:
Matt you are so funny your stories make me laugh so hard.....only you! What I want to know though is if you are going to pose as E.T.....why the heck didn't you use that picture of you that I said looked like E.T?
E.T. has nothing on this neck. I'm only about 5'4" without it.
That is a great story and a great picture of you! I did not know that you were in ET. You were a child star?
Wow, you are such a dork. lol. Amazing that you actually got up, i think i would have chikend out and faked that i couldn't handle walking up to the casket. :)
HAHAHA. I think I was on that weekend you told this story in church, and just died laughing up there! this story never gets old, like the black tooth!
I am sitting at work, bored, and decided I haven't checked your blog in awhile..oh thank you for this story. I was laughing so hard, I started crying..My co-worker is now reading this too because it's quite possibly the funniest thing I've read in a long time!!! You are always so entertaining!
I totally get this.
Post a Comment