I heard a guy give a lot of answers to a lot of difficult questions the other day. He seemed to really believe what he was saying. My friend, that was listening to him, believed this guy knew exactly what he was talking about. But I didn’t. I almost never think people who seem to know what they are talking about, actually DO know what they are talking about; especially when they are doling out answers like hot dogs at a baseball game.
Probably he believed he was right because people are always telling him, “You know what? You’re right on!” Problem is, I’ve tried most of what he said was “the problem” and it worked about as good hair accessories on Bruce Willis. And I seriously don’t mean to be a pig, or to harass this guy’s logic, but stuff like he was talking about just doesn’t work. Most of what he told my friend was stuff that would only referee symptoms. You know, ibuprofen for backaches kind of treatment; where you don’t feel the pain for a while, but wake up in the morning and it feels like there’s a blunt ice pick wedged between your vertebrae.
When I was little my brother told me that if I would smell his finger I’d be surprised at what it smelled like. Well, this was only part true, because he made it sound like I’d take a whiff and smell something good-surprising; or even weird-surprising. But it wasn’t good-surprising or weird-surprising. It was disgusting-surprising. It was dog crap-surprising.
See, that’s what I’m getting at. Good surprising doesn’t get in your nose and hang around for a while, but dog crap-surprising does. And that’s what Advice Boy’s advice is like; dog crap-surprising. Cause at first you think, “Hmmm…I’ll have to give that a try; it should work great!” But in the end, all the advice you’ve “given a try” is as useless as a dark brown pile in your backyard, that stinks...real bad. But I digress.
Okay, so Advice Boy did seem to have himself pretty well together; nice clothes, pretty wife, sport’s car, gold pen. And I think a lot of people probably want to be like him; not that I would. (I mean on occasion it would be cool to sit with businessy people, wave my gold pen around and have them think I was some sort of Tycoon.) So here’s the bigger problem for me: Advice Boy thought he had life and marriage all figured out. But the thing is, even if his advice had worked for him, that didn’t mean it would work for my friend. Maybe things were just easier for Advice Boy. Like maybe he was married to someone who was easier to be married to. Or maybe because he was better looking, (which he was) people were just naturally nicer to him. (This really happens; I saw a thing about it on Dateline where little kids kept picking pretty kindergarten teachers over ones that looked like Amy Winehouse). Either way, I guess it doesn’t really matter because I thought his advice was just preachy and shallow. But the real bummer is, I think my friend is going to try it out, but probably to no avail. I’ve tried some of the stuff he was talking about and could tell it wasn’t working when Heather started saying things like, “Whatever Matt” or “That is just a pile bull crap!” And when that would happen I’d feel stupid, so I would usually just start a big fight with her instead of trying to find a more sensible solution to the problem.
One thing I do know about marriage is this: I’m usually only part right; and usually not the part I think I’m right about. I’m usually right about the part that I don’t want to cram down Heather’s throat. Being right isn’t the point though. I do know that. Being in love is the point…and forgiving, and doing my best to understand her. So I guess what I’m trying to say here is, easy solutions to tough problems are a big fat waste of time. I’m pretty sure I heard Steve say that in one of his messages a while ago, and I agree.
So maybe next time I hear Advice Boy advising, I’ll just say, "Why don't you stop blabbing on and on like you've got it all figured out Advice Boy!"
But he’d probably just look at me and say, “Wanna smell my finger?”
Probably he believed he was right because people are always telling him, “You know what? You’re right on!” Problem is, I’ve tried most of what he said was “the problem” and it worked about as good hair accessories on Bruce Willis. And I seriously don’t mean to be a pig, or to harass this guy’s logic, but stuff like he was talking about just doesn’t work. Most of what he told my friend was stuff that would only referee symptoms. You know, ibuprofen for backaches kind of treatment; where you don’t feel the pain for a while, but wake up in the morning and it feels like there’s a blunt ice pick wedged between your vertebrae.
When I was little my brother told me that if I would smell his finger I’d be surprised at what it smelled like. Well, this was only part true, because he made it sound like I’d take a whiff and smell something good-surprising; or even weird-surprising. But it wasn’t good-surprising or weird-surprising. It was disgusting-surprising. It was dog crap-surprising.
See, that’s what I’m getting at. Good surprising doesn’t get in your nose and hang around for a while, but dog crap-surprising does. And that’s what Advice Boy’s advice is like; dog crap-surprising. Cause at first you think, “Hmmm…I’ll have to give that a try; it should work great!” But in the end, all the advice you’ve “given a try” is as useless as a dark brown pile in your backyard, that stinks...real bad. But I digress.
Okay, so Advice Boy did seem to have himself pretty well together; nice clothes, pretty wife, sport’s car, gold pen. And I think a lot of people probably want to be like him; not that I would. (I mean on occasion it would be cool to sit with businessy people, wave my gold pen around and have them think I was some sort of Tycoon.) So here’s the bigger problem for me: Advice Boy thought he had life and marriage all figured out. But the thing is, even if his advice had worked for him, that didn’t mean it would work for my friend. Maybe things were just easier for Advice Boy. Like maybe he was married to someone who was easier to be married to. Or maybe because he was better looking, (which he was) people were just naturally nicer to him. (This really happens; I saw a thing about it on Dateline where little kids kept picking pretty kindergarten teachers over ones that looked like Amy Winehouse). Either way, I guess it doesn’t really matter because I thought his advice was just preachy and shallow. But the real bummer is, I think my friend is going to try it out, but probably to no avail. I’ve tried some of the stuff he was talking about and could tell it wasn’t working when Heather started saying things like, “Whatever Matt” or “That is just a pile bull crap!” And when that would happen I’d feel stupid, so I would usually just start a big fight with her instead of trying to find a more sensible solution to the problem.
One thing I do know about marriage is this: I’m usually only part right; and usually not the part I think I’m right about. I’m usually right about the part that I don’t want to cram down Heather’s throat. Being right isn’t the point though. I do know that. Being in love is the point…and forgiving, and doing my best to understand her. So I guess what I’m trying to say here is, easy solutions to tough problems are a big fat waste of time. I’m pretty sure I heard Steve say that in one of his messages a while ago, and I agree.
So maybe next time I hear Advice Boy advising, I’ll just say, "Why don't you stop blabbing on and on like you've got it all figured out Advice Boy!"
But he’d probably just look at me and say, “Wanna smell my finger?”
4 comments:
all this time and if i would have known.....it just takes a gold pen! hahaha.
the older i get, the more i hear about ppl like advice boy i think....his wife probably hates him or something like that.
not because i'm cynical (although maybe i am) but because i've learned in the past 5 years.....a lot of the time....it's never what it seems.
im sitting here hoping you told your friend all of this...but thinking you already had and he moved on to advice boy....its yucky but some people have to sniff a lot of poopy fingers before they figure stuff out! And Krista is so right...i know that from experience..it is seldom what it seems!
Amen...Amen...and AMEN!! I think this is probably what I converse with God about most. Now how can we make a difference in a complete opposite way...humm...that would be a very insightful post. AND I really think people who are most humble and least likely to spew off unsolicited advice are those who "get" to experience the "poopy fingers" in life...just my humbled opinion ;)
okay...you know i'd sniff that poopy finger...i once got tricked into drinking pee out of a mountain dew bottle(my brother's pee included...bastard!)...maybe you could metaphorically post about that.
great post..you had me at "smell my finger!"
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