Foot in Mouth Disease

One time I told a lady that she looked cute pregnant.  She wasn't.  Almost everyone has done this.  I do it a lot.

A few years ago a girl walked in my office.  It was a girl who had one dark tooth.  All the others were beautifully white so this dark one stood out like beard dandruff.  (Ever seen it?  I have.)  So I was typing away at my computer and looked over at Dark Toothed Girl, and exclaimed, "Oh, you got your tooth fixed!"  I was happy for her.  

She got a sort of weird look on her face and then responded..."No I didn't."  A closer look...evaluation...and I realize that the dead tooth is STILL DEAD!  As it turns out, the light from the windows was glistening on the dead tooth, which made it appear to fall in line with all the others.  Total bummer.  I hate that I do this.  Hate it.

I've tried many times to stop doing this.  Problem is, there's not a lot of good ways to "work" on this, ya know?  It's an impulse problem... I blame it on my ADD.

So two days before Christmas, Heather and I attended the Trans Siberian Orchestra concert here in Indy.  It was great.  I noticed on our way in the auditorium, that our African American usher of about 75 years, though very dark skinned, had blue eyes.  "Beautiful" I thought to myself.  I wish I would've stopped there.  Sigh.  I didn't.

"Wow.  You have blue eyes!" I said.

"No I don't," he said.

"Sure you do," I say.  And I'm thinking there's no way he has blue contacts.  He was way too old for that kind of vanity.

"Nope, I don't," he says again.  Okay, so right here's where I should have shut my mouth, handed over my tickets, and headed in for the show.  I know that now.

But I don't stop.  Instead I turn to Heather and say, "They're blue right?"  

"No," she says, and has that "Why are you talking to the usher about his eyes?" face that I've seen a billion times.  I've seen it when I've asked to see someone's tattoo before..., or their toenail that has that fungus disease.  (I call it "Crap Toe."  My sister calls it, "Thick Toenail."

So at this point I'm a little embarrassed that Heather and Usher Man emphatically deny the man's obvious blue eyes, so I cave and decide to let it go.  "Oh," I say.  And that's it.  But I DIDN'T say, "Oh, you're right."  Know why?  CAUSE THEY WERE BLUE!

So we walk in the auditorium and I say to Heather, "His eyes were blue.  Why the heck did you say they weren't blue?  Did you really not think they were blue?"

"Because Matt... He has cataracts!"

Uhhhhhh.....

Nice.

Do you know what cataracts are?  They look a little something like this...

I thought about going back out and apologizing.  But what do you say?  "Hey, sorry about the blue eye thing... but seriously...your cataracts are slammin'!"

Anyway, I fear Foot in Mouth disease is incurable.  Any remedies would be much appreciated.

Wood

Heather and I were glad to trade in our "Easy Bake Oven" when we moved from Michigan to Indiana. Now we have a real life "wood burning" fireplace... as it should be. I think it's funny that Heather's mom saw our new fireplace here in Indiana and said, "Awww, that's too bad... no gas logs."

A couple nights ago was our very first fire of the year. The girls are finally old enough to go get fire wood (mowing the lawn is just around the corner).

This pic is what they first came back with - and I said...

"Go get something bigger than baby wood!"


So they left and came back with this!

Impressive!

Happy Season!!!

Fa la la la la... I'm happy!

MY 100th POST!

Yes - this is my 100th post! And what a way to commemorate it. My book arrived yesterday...all 500 of them! And I WILL sell out (the books, that is). I got a couple pics of them hogging my office. They can hog all they want - I LOVE them!

Okay - so one funny story. First I opened one of the boxes (the first of 16 boxes). Then I tore open a plastic packing bag. Then I removed the shrink wrap from a bundle of books. I took one book in my hands, prayed for it (not really), "oohed" and "ahhed" at it - AND THEN....

...opened it. AND....

...the guts were upside down! No kidding. The whole inside of the book was UPSIDE DOWN!!!

Right, so of course I was like "What the!" And I quickly grabbed for another thinking, "Every one of these suckers is going to be upside down and I'm going to have to send these BACK!?!?! I could feel the stress...are you with me? What are the chances?

So I sifted through 500 books - opened every cover to make sure my babies weren't retarded. 499 were perfect!

So I was telling my friend about this and said, "What are the chances that I would pick THAT box, and then THAT book from that box; it being the ONLY one that was upside down.

"One in 500," he says.

"Oh... right."

WINTER!!! LOVE it! Some of it.

Okay - it's winter - and the snow is here...even if only for a few days.

The girls spent about 2 hours outside on Sunday, building a snowfort and snow...girl?


Love this pic - snowgirl with a pony tail. LOVE this about Chloe.

Decorations... complete with electric train under the tree.
(okay, for real...it's a pain in the butt)

I love our house at Christmas...and we decorate...EVERYTHING!

This one doesn't have much to do with anything other than my 10 year old (in 4 days) looks a little younger to me in this picture...and I like that. Isn't she precious?

Great Friends....miss 'em!

We were in Michigan for Thanksgiving and met up with our good friends...our best friends, John and Beth and their family. Here are some pics.

John is less than convincing in this pic...oh wait - sersiously? Is he doing what I think he's doing? Okay, for real...just noticed that. Hilarious. I'm leaving it.

I love this pic because Amanda is getting older and you can tell. Plus I love Ev and Tori in the background - click on this one, Tori's face is worth it.

Best friends. There's a rumor that these two share a Chistmas ornament. Oh wait, that's no rumor.

The whole fam at Heather's parent's house. And Mimi. Only dog allowed in her parent's house. I'm telling you, this dog is a charmer.

So good SOOO good to see friends.

Love you guys!

The Blind Writer (The Book) is AVAILABLE!

Hey Hey - it is ready!!! But first, a few words from our sponsor.

#1 - please - PRETTY PLEASE; if you intend to purchase a copy of The Blind Writer and you are in the area (the indy area) DO NOT order it online; and here's why: I will have copies in Capstone Bookstore at my church (CORNER OF HAZEL DELL AND 131ST - AT NORTHVIEW CHRISTIAN LIFE CHURCH) and they will be available next weekend (DEC. 5th and 6th). I need to sell those copies since they are all on my dime and I'm trying to make back the money it cost me to order these up. It would be a big fat BUMMER to pay millions of dollars in overhead and not make that $$$ back. (Have I already crapped on the release of this thing?) :) (smiley face denotes nervous desire to sell these things and pay off my credit card... hands awringing.)

#2 Tell all your friends it's the best book you've ever read and that it relates to whatever ails them; shoplifting, power tools, hard heels, different cheeses, trendsetting, bed wetting, dog shedding, blood letting... Oh yes, and spirituality and freedom from religiosity. If they need it; it's in there.

#3 So CLICK HERE and you can order a copy. This site also provides information on the subject matter of the book, and contains a snippet from the intro.

A HUGE thanks for support, critiques, encouragement, and shared excitement on this thing. Much of your excitement has been a catalyst for finishing the job. (Yes, I agree; it feels like a grammy award speech - but this is a heartfelt "thank you" for reading my blog and spurring me on.)

On a personal note... being able to share the difficulties I've journeyed through, spiritually and emotionally, is inspiring to me. I feel privileged at the thought of someone taking one step closer to Jesus (the real Jesus) and His very real healing.

And so... this is a grateful time in my life (and I suppose a great season to be thankful)

Okay so enough of my blabbing - ORDER AWAY!

Your friend,

Matt

A couple pics

First of all... look at my dog. She is the BEST DOG IN THE WORLD! She sat in this thing for like 10 minutes while we laughed and snapped pictures of her. You do "snap" pics, right?


Second... today is "crazy hair day" at school. We do this every year - and every year Chloe wants the bee hive (3 years in a row). After I was done with their hair, Heather told me that the bottle of hairspray I was using was $13.00. So great, it should hold then.

My girls are fun...love 'em!

ELFin Magic

Okay - if you haven't done this yet...do it! It is hilarious. Laughed my BIRTHDAY butt off (that's right, send presents.)

HERE is the link to see ours.

AND HERE is another one (this is Heather's fav)

Jesus

We have a bookstore at our church. It's not a far cry from what you'd see in a Family Christian Store. In fact, it's exactly like that - only I know the people who work at our bookstore and they serve up great coffee.

I have come to understand how bookstores get all their stuff. Merchants come in with stuff they'd like to sell in the bookstore (t-shirts, mints, greeting cards, coffee cups, scripture pictures) and they show their merchandise to the manager. Together, the merchants and manager decide what is worthy enough to make it on the shelves; what will sell; what will make a difference.

Well, about two months ago, I walked into the bookstore at my church and the girl behind the counter yelled out to me, "Jesus is here!" I thought she meant me at first. She didn't. Then she continued as bold as she'd started. "Did you see Jesus?"

"What are you talking about?" I grunted. Obviously, I didn't believe her. And because I hadn't had my coffee yet, I didn't care.

"He's right over there," she says, pointing over my shoulder.

I turned around and saw a couple of men in business suits talking to another man who helps with the inventory at our bookstore. They were dressed to the nines and looked to be the kind of gentlemen who used Brylcreem on their hair. Both of them had their hair piled high on their heads; hair that only an old barber's comb could've piled that high.

There was a counter and four feet separating me and the business men. And since they'd heard Kim's very loud, "Jesus is here!" announcement, they were looking in my direction. I felt strange; like since I was a Christian I should be interested in finding out where Jesus was, or what Kim was talking about, so I instinctively headed toward them. One of the men smiled and held up a Jesus doll that was robed, bearded and sandaled.

"Creepy," I said. It was one of those moments where the words tumble out before you have a chance to take an oral inventory. At the time, I didn't realize they were merchants, and I guess I assumed that anyone who had seen this doll...like ANYONE...would've felt the same as me; which was, "Gross! Where did that thing come from?"

So after I had said, "creepy," the guy holding it immediately said, "He speaks in 3 different languages; Greek, Aramaic, and English," and smiled very nicely my way. This is when I realized they were serious.

I must tell you, and if you know me well, you know this is true; I'm hardly ever mean to people's faces. I usually wait until they are quite a distance away before I disparage them. I have great restraint when I'm feeling irritated by something as irritating as the Savior of the entire world being turned into a rubber doll that is no doubt, expensive, and that will be used to decorate someone's house somewhere...and perhaps used as a tool to "witness" to those who need to make Barbie Jesus their personal Lord and Savior.

But like I said, I hadn't had my coffee yet, so all of my polish and pizzazz was dormant at this point. "Oh," I said. "Hmmm," I managed; the corners of my mouth drawn downward, head slightly cocked and nodding. My outside did not match my inside. My outside was diplomatic and controlled. My inside was feeling the same as I had felt the first time I saw "A Clockwork Orange" by Stanley Kubrick. I was....speechless. And unfortunately, with my "creepy" comment, which was not able to be recanted, I had brought the already somewhat tense atmosphere to a new level.

I walked away thinking, "Please God, please let the powers that be say "No" to Barbie Jesus going on sale in our bookstore. I had already pictured twenty percent off tags on him, and it made me uncomfortable. I did not want him in our store." Two months later, still no sign of him. So far, so good.

Though I definitely stand in judgment of anyone who would buy Barbie Jesus and find a special place to hang him up in their homes, I wonder if it's possible that I've somehow done the same thing. I mean, I realize I'm not wearing WWJD bracelets anymore, since all they did to make me more like Jesus was nothing. And no, I'm not one who is real into religious bumper stickers or t-shirts. But I know that I've still got some of the residue on me; the spiritual residue from the early days of my Christian life when I was saying things like, "Praise Jesus," when all I really meant was "Thank you." Or "Hallelujah," which only meant, "I'm glad that worked out for you." The truth is, I don't want Barbie Jesus on my shelf or in my heart. He's rubber. He's not tested one bit and he's suffered about as much as any American Girl doll has. And that's not enough for me. I don't want a doll. I don't want something plastic and pretty. I want the real thing. I don't want a reminder sitting on my shelf that speaks in 3 languages...languages that most of the world has never even heard before.

If Jesus is real, and I happen to think He is, the Barbie Jesus doll will not do one thing for me other than have me thinking Jesus is a toy. Well, He's not. He's not a toy. He's a Jewish man who died on a cross for His community. For me. To emblazon His image in rubber and tiny robes doesn't work for me. And neither does putting a fish on my car, or a cross on my neck. It's not a bad thing per se, but it's not Jesus either. It's costume jewelry. It's costume faith. It looks like faith and beliefs, but it's not. It's replication. And replication is not real. Replication is imitation.

Imagine if people didn't have bibles to carry around. Imagine if they didn't have Christian music to listen to. Imagine if they didn't have Christian pamphlets to pass out, or bumper stickers to stick on their cars, or crosses to wear, or t-shirts to speak for them. What if people couldn't blab on and on about their faith in Jesus? What if they couldn't buy up Billy Graham videos to pass out to their friends? What would happen? Would they be scared? Think about it. No Christian paraphernalia. No Christian bookstores. No Christian schools, cards, or movies. No Christian churches. What would happen? What would we do? How then would we be able to get our point across?

OUR point?

What if we couldn't speak of Jesus? What if we couldn't tell people what He had done for us? What would we do?

We'd have to do something. But what?

Maybe we'd have to...live Jesus. Maybe we'd have to breathe...Jesus. Maybe we'd have to...be Jesus. And maybe Jesus would have to love people. Maybe WE would have to love people. Maybe Jesus would have to save the world. Maybe we would have to save the world. Maybe Jesus would have to live from a redeemed place. Maybe we would have to live from a redeemed place. Maybe Jesus would have to show up. Maybe we would have to show up. Maybe Jesus would have to change lives. Maybe we would have to change lives. Maybe Jesus would have to turn the world upside down to get His point across. Maybe we would have to turn the world upside down to get His point across.

HIS point.

Jesus would have to be alive. We would have to be alive. Jesus would have to live what He believed. And so would we. Because the trappings would be gone. The props would no longer be accessible. We would have to really believe all that we said we believed. We would have to live without all the Christian bells and whistles. Without those things that "identified" me as a Christ follower. I'd have nothing to mark me as a Jesus person; nothing other than the love in my heart that drove me to accept people as they are. Nothing other than the sweat on my brow, that got there from helping my neighbor who was recovering from surgery. Nothing other than the use of my hands, that defended the poor and helpless.

I'd have nothing but love. I'd have nothing.

Nothing...but Jesus.

Halloween...here and gone!

Such a PERFECT night for Trick or Treating! My girls are getting older, but they still love getting dressed up for Halloween. And I have to admit...I love making their costumes. Anytime I get to throw caution to the wind and be creative, it's a good thing.

Chloe was a "Corpse Bride." She had many opinions about what she wanted. We worked it out and came up with this. Her head piece and hair ruled.

I had to sort of talk Evalee into her costume, but since she is ALLLL about comedy and being funny - she caved and went for it. Now I have to tell you - this costume was the deal. We had people rolling all night. Fun!

Here's our neighbor Chuck. He always gets dressed up.

It was a great time...lots of candy...lots of neighborly nods and waves... I love how fun little holidays can break up the monotony of our lives and bring so many of us together to celebrate.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Loving the Fall....

I really love fall. Here are some pics that say it all...in the fall!





This one is on a water color setting. Subtle change. (crappy camera)


God alone on this one - completely untouched.




I had to slip this in there because it's cute. Do you know how much Heather loves Dine or Dash? Oh my word. But someone help me...why would you want to wait on kids, do the stay at home mom thing all day, only to relax by serving up angry customers who want their food NOW?!?! Just curious. She's cute though, right? Love it.

It's in...almost!

Here are some pics of it. I've still got to look through this copy... see if I can find some more typos - and to make some final edits, but for all intents and purposes, IT IS FINISHED!!!

Still to do: set up online ordering, a couple adjustments to the cover, ordering a bulk of them for our bookstore... should be ONE MONTH; that's what I'm guessing.

As you can see I laughed, I cried, I put it next to my bible.


Blessings!

Crisp Fall Day...

We went to a park (I don't know which one, of course, cuz that's how I roll...but it had trees, dirt, water, paths...ya know, normal "park" stuff. Chloe is looking old in this pic.

Heather's parents were in town for Ev's 8th birthday. I love this pic.

Can you believe they've been married for 123 years! Woah. I wonder why people don't stay married anymore. I mean, I know why, but I also know that something must still be broken in us. I mean, we are christians (most of us) people who are committed to making it work, to looking inside and getting things cleaned up and yet we are still at the same divorce rate as people who don't affilitate themselves with faith in God. Hmmm... anyway, this isn't supposed to be that kind of blog so I'll shut up and get back to the pics.

Aren't they cute though?!?!

Covered bridge

Favorite pic of the day. Being risky.

And Mimi. Always Mimi. Could she be cuter? If this dog dies, we are sunk!

Day Old Poetry

I found some of these on my computer. I love words...arranging them, using them, making them up... or just reading them. Love them.

Some of these are old and tired - some are attempts to use words in a new way - some are attempts to "get it out" and be done with it (one of these did this for me -see "To a Daydream Ending")

BUT...

...you are only allowed to read these if you promise to attempt a poem of your own in a blog post of your own (in the near future.) Afterall, it is national poetry month (no, it's not - but it should be, on the brink of fall and all.)

So read on, and then share some back.

Highway Questions
(written in the car, on the way home from my audition at Northview)
How does one white line
Stretch on for a million miles
(or seven years)
Without one question
About direction?

Its second cousin
Just ten feet left
Vacillates
He stops and starts
Like night and day
“Should I stay or go?”
Will it be rain or snow?

Second cousin takes my hand
To lead me home
(to Flushing?)
Or…To Indiana


25 Words
There are only
25 words
in this poem
And you will count them
How could you not?
But none of them
will be
about you

No Friend of Mine
Friends
Without hands
Are no friends of mine
They can’t even give me
A proper send off
Or wish me well
Or wave goodbye
("25 words" and "no friend..." were written together,
when I was mad at some people)


The Twinkling of an Eye
In the twinkling of an eye
In a moment
Things change
A man forgets to call
A hair turns white on the head of wisdom
A lover leaves to find his freedom

I left to find my freedom
A hair turns wisdom white on my head
And I’ll forget to call
And things will change
In a momentIn the twinkling of an eye


The Perfect Number 7
7 years old
6 teeth missing
5 year old sister
4 one more summer
3 women in my life
2 little girls
1 happy daddy


To A Daydream Ending
I apologized in a daydream today
It went very well
She forgave me
Understood where I was coming from
Invited me in for coffee

We drank from our cups like old friends
As if we had put it all behind us
I was relieved
And I sensed a reprieve
An official stay of execution

She was prettier than I remembered
I don’t know how I missed it
At our song and dance classes
Her furrowed brow, my contempt
Bloody in the eye of the beholder

But we put it all behind us
Got on like old friends
Toasted with Colombian, “To us”
“To a new beginning...”
“To a daydream ending.”


Speak Easy
(written at the restaurant, "Speak Easy" in Flushing, Michigan -on the eve of my 6 week sabbatical of what had been a rough and wonderful stay at NCC)
One day before the altar
The altar of myself
One day before I falter
I falter on myself
One day before I investigate
Investigate the evidence of six years past

It’s a cold case file
Matt Bays…
Case closed!
But now reborn

It’s Sunday
The modern day Sabbath
All your sins are known
But not atoned
But not alone
…either

I will be singing songs
From a George Michael album
“Freedom, I won’t let you down”
But nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen
The lessons I’ve learned
The lovers that were spurned?
The Jesus-crossed lovers

That betrayed me with a bull's hit lie
With a wink of the eye
With a pack it up
…and take my tithe

One day before my altar
One day before I falter
Before I believe
Before I am relieved

And send the cobwebbed messages to sleep
In the basement of St. Pious
To the end of all my grief
And I will speak easy
(and I was right)

Forgot Ames....bad Matt.

So how can I make it up to you Amy? Hope about 3 pics from different eras? Yep, great idea.

Ames - Class of 1979


Ames - Class of 1990

Ames - Class of 1963

My Yearbook

Well, I've been seeing this "My Yearbook" thing on facebook and have been cracking up at it. So I decided to "yearbook" a few of you who I know read this blog. I have laughed HARD while doing this tonight. Hope you enjoy it as much as I have!


Lil Kim - Class of 1956


The Laundress - Class of 1986

Katie - Class of 1984 -"Hee Hee!"

Wee - Class of 1968

Liller (June Cleaver) 1954

Lilly Pad - Class of 1970

Jen - Class of 1968

Krista - Class of 1987

Heather - Class of 197?

When exactly was this happening? Reminds me of Tommy Bradford on "Eight is Enough."

Beth - Class of 1955

Your Head Master - 1952