Chained to a Split Rail Fence

I've been thinking over the last few days. Sometimes we do things not good for us. I have. All of us have. Sometimes we struggle to stop those things. Well, I guess most of the time we try. So there are a few undercurrents in my own life, that I have somehow managed to row away from, and have since found myself floating down the lazy river and REALLY REALLY enjoying the sun.

How?

Well, a thought occurred to me. (And if you know me at all, you know I'm not all "christiany" in that "christian" way, where I say things like "I just gave it to God; I let go and I let God; I put it at the sweet feet of Jesus." These are all things that certainly have their place in the world, and in the faith. But in my experience, I found that MOST of the people who say things like this, or who have said things like this (me) are just filling up their world with anecdotal noise.)

Okay...so...on we go.

I have believed that it was possible for God to save me from this world for about 19 years. And I've been gaining ground on what this means ever since I first started to believe this was actually true. So over the last 19 years, I've struggled to let go of things that have entrapped me and have ruined significant years of my life. But as these 19 years have passed, and as I've pressed on and really worked HARD (especially in my 30s -which just happens to be the years that our little friend "denial" runs out of steam and stops doing his job) I have found it easier (not easy like butterflies and rated G movies) to let go of the things that had been holding me at gunpoint.

And so I was thinking, "How come I've been able to let this go? How come? Am I just good? Am I strong? Am I a great christian? Is my faith in God stronger than others?"

It's a good question if you think about it. It's actually a great question. How come I have somehow overcome something that seems to be UN-overcomeable to other people; including other believers? Of course there are many answers to this. I've often wondered how my brother (when he was still alive) quit smoking, cold turkey; assuming that it must have been because God just took the desire from him because he had NO will power, and would never have been able to do it on his own. Especially when it has taken some people 5 years to quit. My step mom "quit" smoking about 14 times over the last 14 years, but still snags one here and there as stress mounts. So what then? How have I been able to do it, when others haven't?

Because I have learned what bondage is, and I DON'T LIKE IT!

Not "don't like it" in the way I don't like a pair of shoes or a bad haircut. Not at all. I'm talking about a "don't like it" in the way I don't like a sexual predator that has abused my child. I don't like it because it has robbed me of good living, and has choked me out and left me overwhelmed, tired, unmanageable, confused, anxious...

CONSUMED!

I don't like bondage. I hate it! I've had some very clear moments where I've realized just how much it has taken from me, and then saw what it had left me chained to. And it is THIS knowledge that has given me the will power to change.

So I guess for me, it looks like this: I'd run to the ends of the earth to rescue my child from an evil person. I'd give whatever it took to get their life back for them. I'd do anything!!! And so would you...right? But for so many years (sound familiar?) I had NOT done the same for myself. Like a kidnapped child I had been carried off by sin, chained to a split rail fence like Matthew Shepard, and left for dead. And all this time, I never realized it had gotten this bad. I didn't know that I'd been left out in the cold to die. And because I didn't realize just how serious it was, I didn't call out an APB, and I didn't get the authorities involved, and I didn't assemble my friends into a search party and send them out to find me. But this year, I did.

And now I've been rescued. I've been changed. (really) And I'm free.